Sarcasm with a side of optimism.

ZOOM zoom ZOoM! (or not)

OK. I am putting my foot down. I am no longer willing to drive all over the fricking-god-damned-place to look at cars anymore. If it's not in my backyard, I.don't.care.

Ir started with the Acura Integra, and please don't as me why. I wanted one for me, a fun little zip around car to give the giant SUV a break. And no, I am not trying to be slick by acquiring another vehicle to offset gas prices. Anybody can plainly see that the cost and upkeep of the car does not justify the gain in MPG though it's 2x more efficient than my SUV. But who's counting.

Craig found a decent one in a Philly suburb. After grilling the seller with questions, it seemed legit, so we left here at 7am prepared to return home with my fun car. We were both exhausted from being on the road by 7am. That's early for us. There wasn't any traffic on the road, we were relieved and happily on our way. Then, I saw a Honda dead on the side of the road outside of Baltimore that was very similar to the Acura. Hmm. Things happen, right? More driving, and we're getting close to our destination. The seller said to call before we got to the Delaware bridge. Before the bridge, we saw a dead Integra. HMMMMM. Is this some sort of sign??

Finally, we arrive at the seller's house, and notice the car immediately along with two other things that go along with not necessarily LYING per se, but more with selective disclosure of information. The clearcoat was obviously peeling in several spots on both quarter panels, both doors, and the trim. Not an easy fix. And we also noticed immediately that the hood emblem was missing. There weren't any pictures of the front end of the car from head on, and when Craig asked the seller on the phone if there was a reason for this, if anything was wrong with the car, the seller said no. I'm annoyed already.

But, the car still looks good, despite us needing to snag an emblem from the junkyard and bodyshopping the clearcoat. I'm whittling down the sale price in my head. We get into the car, and immediately, I am hit with a familiar but stressful smell: the smell of covered up cigarette smoke. I know it well, especially when I am accidentally assigned smoking rooms at hotels. It's sickening, and aggravates my asthma. I'm thinking this is going to be a tough one to get around, and the words "non-negotiable" pop into my head.

Craig puts the key into the ignition and turns it. Nothing happens, except the on and off blinking of a warning light.

Seller makes a production about how oh-my-god, this is new, and oh-my-god, this is the first time this has happened, and how embarrassing! I'm not having any of this. He goes back into the car to wake up his son, because overnight, his loser smoking meathead son has changed into an auto mechanic. I give the super-arched eyebrow look to Craig, and my mouth is cemented into a thin straight line. The son comes out and the only word that came to mind was, "Duhhh". I hope he enjoys his youth now, because after taking a look at his parents, he's doomed. And surprise surprise, he couldn't fix it. Despite this, the car finally turns over after a while, and we take off. It is sluggish and more hesitant than my SUV. Why is it making so much noise (high RPMs) and why on earth aren't we shifting?

After a skeptical drive, we're about to walk away. Craig turns the car off and on again for the 5th time and miraculously, the light is gone, and the car functions as it should. We get back on the road. He tests the air conditioning, and I'm hit with a blast of stank, humid leftover cigarette smoke. Ugh. I open the window all the way. At least that still works.

We get back to the house and discuss privately what to do. I'm so annoyed that I don't want to be there anymore. First the clearcoat, then the emblem, then the car not starting, the transmission, the smoking, the annoying dad and doof-nut son, and NOW looking more closely at the car we notice evidence of compression on both the front and rear bumpers. He rear ended someone, AND got rear ended. To make matters worse, the CARFAX report had discrepancies in reported mileage.

We make a ridiculously low offer which we knew he'd scoff at. I knew this guy wasn't going to bargain with us. He had a giant sign in his garage advertising seasonal tax and financial services. An accountant, how fun. And after all that, we walked away.

We left and headed into Philly to get a real cheesesteak, and you know what? It was DELICIOUS. So what if it was $7 for a small sub? So what if it was cooked in its own grease? So what if all of my allowed calories for the day were taken in after just three bites? IT WAS WORTH IT. Yum. Philly has pretty decent pizza too.

We left to come home and I was totally exhausted. I predicted that we'd be back at the condo by 3pm. When we were 10 miles away from the house on the toll road, we were basically at a complete standstill. There must've been some massive accident up ahead, or something. I have NEVER seen traffic like this on the weekend. Never. Ever. I'm cursing up a storm. I have my eyelids propped up with toothpicks and I want nothing more but to be home and asleep. We sneak onto the airport road with everyone and their mother which comes to a standstill as well, but many more miles down the road. WTF?! Then when we're almost home, I hear that the cause for this traffic was the funeral procession of the cop who got gunned down near work on Monday. It was a horrible tragedy that didn't need to happen, so everyone in the DC metro area was paying their respects, including the entire police and fire task force. We saw the cop car processional on the overpass as we went under, and it was very sad and solemn. They were basically taking our exact route to the house, so we took a detour. Very sad.

A few hours later, napped and fed, I am still pretty aggravated, but hopefully this weekend will turn around soon.

posted by v @ 6:02 PM